Where Do You Get Your Ideas?

Episode #88
Aired 1949-02-20
Length: 24:58
Size: 5.71 MB
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Wyllis Cooper


WJZ-ABC Sun Feb 20 1949 - 530-600 PM EST
REH Fri Feb 18 1949 - 200-400 PM Studio 2-D
Sun Feb 20 1949 230-530 PM Studio 8-A


[page 1]

CHAPPELL: Quiet, please.


CHAPPELL: Quiet, please.

(MUSIC ... THEME ... FADE FOR ...)

ANNCR: The American Broadcasting Company presents "Quiet, Please!" which is written and directed by Wyllis Cooper, and which features Ernest Chappell. "Quiet, Please!" for today is called "Where do you get your Ideas?"

BASIL: All I said to him was "Where do you get your ideas?" and look what he did to me.

[[MOON & R]]

I came in this bar, and I sat down quiet by myself, and I said to the bartender Charlie, make me a dry Manhattan and put two olives in it. So I had my dry Manhattan, and then I had another, and I began to look around. There wasn't anybody else in the bar but this skinny little guy in a corduroy shirt sitting down at the other end of the bar drinking ginger ale, and talking, kind of, to Charlie. So I got interested, you know how it is in a bar, and I took my drink and I walked up the end of the bar and sat down alongside the guy. He didn't pay any attention to me.

MAN: I didn't see you. I don't see very well.

BASIL: And I listened, and what they was talking about was radio. So I'm very interested in radio; I got a set that Rudy made for me, and it's the finest set you ever saw. If there's anything I like, it's a good radio set. Well, in a minute I discovered they weren't talking about radio sets; they were talking about radio programs, and I really do get interested.


So I said to Charlie give my friend a drink, meaning the guy in the corduroy shirt.

MAN: I didn't want a drink. If I want a drink I can buy it myself.

BASIL: But he didn't want drink, so I just sat there and listened to them talk. Say, it was awful interesting. All about people in radio, you know, people you hear singing and saying things and acting and all that, and laughs about things that happened. It was specially interesting to me, because I am such a radio fan, see. So I was listening with all my ears, but they don't pay any attention to me.

MAN: Who is this creep, Charlie?

BASIL: So I can't stand it any longer, and I say to the fellow in the corduroy shirt, I say "You in radio, mister?"

CHARLIE: You want another dry Manhattan, Tom?

BASIL: Sure, Charlie. Only my name's not Tom, it's Basil. B-A-S-I-L, like Basil Rathbone in the movies? Sure, I'll have another dry Manhattan. You in radio, mister?

CHARLIE: Yeh, he's in radio.

BASIL: Leave the man answer the question, Charlie.

CHARLIE: He don't like to talk.

BASIL: He was talking to you.

CHARLIE: I'm not a stranger.

BASIL: Well, I'm not either. My name's Basil Gitlitz, mister. Glad to meet you.

MAN: Thanks.


BASIL: You in radio, mister?

MAN: Yes.

CHARLIE: Here's your drink, Tom.

BASIL: Basil, Charlie. Not Tom.

MAN: Why do you call him Tom, Charlie? His name's Basil, he says.

CHARLIE: It's too hard to remember names at a bar. Everybody's either Tom or George to me.

MAN: How do you tell 'em apart?

CHARLIE: All the good guys are George.

MAN: I see.

BASIL: What do you do in radio, mister?

MAN: I write, Tom.

BASIL: Stories?

MAN: Yes. Charlie, give me another ginger-ale, will you? With a little lemon-peel this time.

CHARLIE: It's a deal.

BASIL: What kind of stories?

MAN: Fantastic stories, I guess.

CHARLIE: I think I'll have a [little] ginger-ale myself.

BASIL: Like murder stories?

MAN: Sometimes. Charlie, what time is it?

CHARLIE: Pretty near closing-time.

MAN: That's what I figured.

BASIL: I sure like murder stories.

CHARLIE: (YAWNS) I'm getting tired.

MAN: So am I.

BASIL: Could I ask you a personal question, mister?

[[M & R OUT]]


CHARLIE: [X]Here we go.[/X] [[They're off at Hialeah.]]

MAN: I've been expecting it.


BASIL: I said could I ask you a personal question, mister?

MAN: Well.

BASIL: I was just wondering.

AND CHARLIE: Where do you get your ideas?


MAN: I just think them up.

BASIL: Do you?

CHARLIE: Sometimes he gets ideas about people that talk to strangers in bars. Strangers that don't want to be talked to.

BASIL: Do you?

MAN: Sometimes.

BASIL: I could tell you some murder stories.

MAN: Could you?

BASIL: Gee, I sure could.

CHARLIE: He knows some murder stories.

BASIL: But I could tell you true murder stories.

CHARLIE: Look, Tom, for a nickel he can buy a morning paper, and it's full of true murder stories. You want another dry Manhattan?

BASIL: Sure. Not good true murder stories like I can tell.

MAN: Look, Basil, did you ever murder anybody?

BASIL: Me? Not so much vermouth, Charlie.

MAN: Yes, you. Did you ever murder anybody?

BASIL: Sure.



CHARLIE: Do you think the Dodgers got a chance this year?

MAN: I like Casey Stengel. He looks like Gertrude Stein.

CHARLIE: He knows more about baseball than she did.

BASIL: I murdered a woman.

MAN: He's been in it longer.

BASIL: I murdered a woman.

CHARLIE: Congratulations.

BASIL: Well, I did.

MAN: When?

BASIL: Well, tonight.

MAN: That so?

BASIL: And last night, and the night before, and last Thursday.

CHARLIE: Keeps you busy, doesn't it?

MAN: You'll run out of women, Basil.

BASIL: No, this is the same one.


BASIL: She won't stay dead.

CHARLIE: Where is she?

BASIL: Out in the lobby.

CHARLIE: Mind if I go look, and call the cops?

BASIL: Make me another dry Manhattan before you go.

CHARLIE: I'll make it when I come back.

MAN: Don't leave me alone here with the murderer, Charlie.

BASIL: Oh, I won't hurt you, mister.

MAN: Thanks.

BASIL: Hurry up, Charlie, I want another dry Manhattan.

CHARLIE: (AWAY) I'll be right back.

BASIL: Is he going out to look for her, really?

MAN: I think he's going to look for Manuel.


BASIL: Who's Manuel?

MAN: Manuel's the bouncer.

BASIL: He won't find her.

MAN: Her? Manuel's a him.

BASIL: No, I mean the woman I murdered.

MAN: Oh. (A PAUSE) Listen, Mac, you oughtn't to drink so many of those things.

BASIL: These? Oh, they don't hurt me.

MAN: You keep on drinking them that way, and first thing you know you will murder somebody.

BASIL: I do.

MAN: Do what?

BASIL: Murder people.

MAN: Okay, have it your way. Find her, Charlie?

CHARLIE: (COMING BACK) You kidding? There's nobody out there.

MAN: You didn't think you'd find anybody, did you?

CHARLIE: Naw. You kidding?

MAN: You got red paint or something all over your shoes.

CHARLIE: Now where the heck did I get that?

BASIL: That ain't red paint, Charlie. That's blood.


BASIL: I knew she wouldn't be there, Charlie. I could have told you that, but you didn't ask me. Can I have that dry Manhattan now, please?

CHARLIE: This'll have to be the last one, Tom. I'm running out of olives.

BASIL: Basil. Well, if you'd stop eating them yourself, there'd be enough left for me.


MAN: Company, girls.


MAN: You got another customer.


CHARLIE: Yes, ma'm?

HELEN: I'll have a beer, please.

BASIL: Hello, Helen.

HELEN: Hello, Basil.

CHARLIE: One beer.

HELEN: Thanks.

CHARLIE: Well, like I was saying -

HELEN: You got blood on your shoes.

CHARLIE: Oh, sure.

HELEN: The beer isn't very cold.

BASIL: Stop squawking about the beer, Helen.

HELEN: It hurts my throat.

BASIL: Drink it.

CHARLIE: Look, leave the lady alone, will you?




HELEN: I don't mind him.

BASIL: This fellow here is a writer, Helen. He writes for the radio.

HELEN: Pleased to meet you.

MAN: Good evening.

BASIL: He writes stories about murder and things.

HELEN: How nice.

MAN: Thanks.


HELEN: Did you tell him about us, Basil?

BASIL: I was just starting to.

CHARLIE: He doesn't want to hear it.

MAN: I want another ginger-ale.

HELEN: Tell him about us, Basil.

BASIL: She's the woman I murdered.


BASIL: But she doesn't stay murdered.

HELEN: Another beer, please.

CHARLIE: Yes, ma'm.

MAN: Do you like being murdered, ma'm?

HELEN: Oh, it's all right.

BASIL: I was asking him where he got his ideas.

HELEN: Where does he get them?

BASIL: He just dreams them up, I guess. Don't you?

MAN: Sure.

HELEN: Did you ever write a story about people on the moon?

BASIL: He wouldn't know about people on the moon.

MAN: There aren't any people on the moon. Charlie, give me one more ginger-ale, for the road.


HELEN: There are so people on the moon. Aren't there, Basil?

BASIL: Millions of them. Animals, too.

HELEN: Sure. Why don't you write a story about people on the moon?

MAN: I don't know anything about people on the moon.

HELEN: Basil does.

BASIL: Sure.

HELEN: Tell him, Basil. I like to hear about people on the moon.



BASIL: Well, they got two heads.

CHARLIE: Apiece.

BASIL: Sure; two heads apiece.

HELEN: And they got four arms.

CHARLIE: Four arms must be handy.

BASIL: Yeh, they are. Four arms and two heads.

MAN: I'm going to bed.

HELEN: No, stay and hear about the people on the moon.

MAN: Some other time.

BASIL: No, have another ginger-ale. I'll buy you a ginger-ale.

MAN: I have to get up early in the morning.

BASIL: No, I want to tell you about the people on the moon.

MAN: I don't want to hear about the people on the moon, Tom.

BASIL: Well, I want to tell him about them.

HELEN: Aw, leave him alone, Basil.

BASIL: I won't do it. Listen, friend.

MAN: Look, I'm not your friend.

BASIL: I can give you a great story about people on the moon.

HELEN: He doesn't want to hear about them, Basil.

BASIL: You shut up.

BASIL: There's people on the moon, see. They got four arms and two heads, and they have all kinds of fun.

CHARLIE: Lay off, Tom.

HELEN: You can't talk to him when he's like this.

BASIL: Didn't I tell you to shut up!

HELEN: You leave him alone!

BASIL: Shut up, or I'll murder you again.


CHARLIE: Now, listen. This is a nice quiet bar, and nice quiet people come in here.

BASIL: I'm quiet!

CHARLIE: You're going to be a lot quieter after the cops come and take you away.

HELEN: You see, Basil? I told you -

BASIL: I told you to shut up or I'll kill you!

CHARLIE: That does it, Basil. Outside.

HELEN: You're always starting things and getting thrown out -

BASIL: Did you hear me?

MAN: Look, Basil, let's calm down, shall we? [[NO]] Some other time you and I'll sit down and you can tell me all about the people on the moon, and on Mars and everywhere. Huh?

BASIL: I don't know anything about the people on Mars. I don't even know if there are any people on Mars.

HELEN: Come on, Basil, let's go home.

BASIL: Listen, I told you -

HELEN: I'm not afraid of you, you big bum!

BASIL: You ain't, huh?

HELEN: No, I'm not! If I tell what I know about you -

BASIL: You won't live to tell -

CHARLIE: Outside, you.

BASIL: What?

CHARLIE: I said pay your check and get out of here. Two dollars and sixty-eight cents.

BASIL: Think I ain't got the money, huh? Well, look at that.


HELEN: Oh, Basil, don't throw yor money around that way!


BASIL: Listen, babe, I got just about enough of you!

CHARLIE: You want me to throw you out of here?

HELEN: Go on, throw him out!

BASIL: Listen, I told you I've had about enough of you -

MAN: Look out - he's got a gun -

HELEN: No, no -


BASIL: I told you to shut up. Gimme another dry Manhattan.


CHARLIE: How do you feel?

MAN: Tired.

CHARLIE: Me, too. I don't like coroner's juries and courts and that stuff. You want another ginger ale?

MAN: If I was a drinking man I'd have a double one. Hear anything - they found him yet?

CHARLIE: Naw. He sure disappeared, didn't he?

MAN: They'll catch him.

CHARLIE: Sure. He's nuts.

MAN: Yeh.

CHARLIE: Quiet tonight.

MAN: Noisy enough last night.

CHARLIE: I thought that fellow up at the coroner's jury was going to say we killed her.

MAN: Tough guy.

CHARLIE: Well, she's dead all right this time.

MAN: What?

CHARLIE: The girl. That Helen. Said she wouldn't stay dead.

MAN: He's nuttier'n a fruit-cake.


CHARLIE: He sure disappeared.

MAN: Well, you'd disappear if you murdered somebody.

CHARLIE: I was just coming around the bar -

MAN: Go on, you were under the bar.

CHARLIE: Well, you was under the stool.

MAN: Sure.

CHARLIE: And I looked up and he was gone.

MAN: They'll find him.

CHARLIE: Hope so.

MAN: Kind of [a] nice-looking girl.

CHARLIE: I never did get paid for those beers.

MAN: He put some money on the bar.

CHARLIE: Wasn't enough.

MAN: Too bad.

CHARLIE: Yeah. (YAWNS) I'm tired.

MAN: Me, too.

CHARLIE: Not used to murders.

BASIL: Can I have a dry Manhattan, Charlie?


CHARLIE: (AFTER A PAUSE -) Where did you come from?

MAN: Don't you know the cops are looking for you?

BASIL: Sure. Can I have a dry Manhattan? Not too much vermouth.

CHARLIE: Listen ...

BASIL: Make it a double; I'm thirsty.

CHARLIE: Listen -

BASIL: Well?

CHARLIE: You - you - you -

BASIL: Oh, hello, there. I didn't recognise you. Mind if I sit down by you? Thanks. How are you?


MAN: Me? I'm all right.

BASIL: How's the ideas tonight?

CHARLIE: Listen, don't start that again.

BASIL: I was starting to tell you about the people on the moon last night when we was interrupted. How about that double dry Manhattan, Charlie.

CHARLIE: You're not going to get any double Manhattan here, Tom.

BASIL: Basil. Like Basil Rathbone. Why not?

CHARLIE: I'm not going to get in any jam.

BASIL: You won't get into any jam. I'll be out of here before the cops come. If they do come.

MAN: If they do come -

CHARLIE: They'll drag you out of here feet first.

BASIL: Nah, they won't.

MAN: Yes, they will.

BASIL: What for?

CHARLIE: What for!

BASIL: Oh, you mean Helen.

CHARLIE: What else?

BASIL: I don't worry about her.

MAN: Charlie.

CHARLIE: Listen -

MAN: Charlie.


MAN: Come here a minute.



CHARLIE: Yeah. But what about you?


MAN: I'll be all right.

CHARLIE: Well, okay ... uh, double manhattan, did you say?

BASIL: Dry manhattan.


BASIL: Helen always makes me so mad.

MAN: Ah, you know her pretty well?

BASIL: I've murdered her five times now.

MAN: That so?

BASIL: Sure. Ah, that's fine, Charlie. Where you going?

CHARLIE: I have to see a man.

BASIL: Well, hurry back; I'll be needing another dry manhattan.


BASIL: Ah, that's good. Yes, sir, it sure is a puzzle to me where you get your ideas.

MAN: It is, huh?

BASIL: It sure is. How you think of these things every week - it's by me.

MAN: It's just like laying bricks.

BASIL: I never laid bricks. Say, I sure wish you'd write a story about the moon.

MAN: About those people with four arms and two heads?

BASIL: You remembered that, didn't you? I'll have another dry manhattan, Charlie - oh, Charlie isn't here.

MAN: He'll be right back.

BASIL: I sure hope so. You know, the people on the moon, they live in things like beehives.

MAN: They do?

BASIL: And they never eat.


MAN: They don't?

BASIL: They just drink.

MAN: Drink what?

BASIL: Dry manhattans. (HE GIGGLES)

MAN: I see. What else do they do?

BASIL: You want to hear about 'em?

MAN: Sure.

BASIL: Well, they know how to travel through space.

MAN: They do.

BASIL: Sure. They come down to earth all the time.

MAN: Many of them?

BASIL: I bet you there's a hundred people from the moon right here on earth right now.

MAN: That so? Charlie's sure taking a long time.

BASIL: He sure is. I want another drink.

MAN: Dry manhattan, like the people on the moon drink. (LAUGHS)

BASIL: (LAUGHS) Yes, that's right. Hey, Charlie!

MAN: Yeah. Charlie!

BASIL: Must be in a fone booth or something.

MAN: I guess so. Uh - tell me more about these people on the moon. Four arms, you said.

BASIL: Yeh. Four arms.

MAN: What do they do when they come down to earth?

BASIL: Murder people.

MAN: So?

BASIL: Oh, sure. They think it's fun. (LAUGHS)

MAN: Good fun.

BASIL: Oh, yes, they come down here kind of on vacation, to murder people.


MAN: Must be interesting.

BASIL: Very. See, you can't murder people on the moon.

MAN: Why not?

BASIL: They don't die.

MAN: How long does it take to get here from the moon, do you suppose?

BASIL: About twenty minutes.

MAN: Oh?

BASIL: Sure. Atomic energy. Put a little thing on one of your arms, twist a little button, take a deep breath, and boom. Earth. Hey, Charlie!

MAN: I guess he's busy.

BASIL: Yeah. Yeah, murder's fun, though. Specially when you don't get to do it much.

MAN: I suppose.

BASIL: You think I'm crazy?

MAN: What?

BASIL: I bet you think I'm crazy.

MAN: Oh, no!

BASIL: I'm not. That Helen, she's a pain in the neck.

MAN: That why you murdered her?

BASIL: That's why I always murder her.

MAN: Oh. Ah - do you murder other people, too?

BASIL: I haven't yet, but I'm going to.

MAN: Have you - uh - got any customers picked out?

BASIL: N-no ... I've just been looking around.

MAN: I see.


BASIL: Helen makes me so mad, though, sometimes I [[have to]] murder her.

MAN: You sure murdered her last night.

BASIL: I got mad.

MAN: Ah - tell me some more about the moon people.

BASIL: Oh. Well, the reason Helen won't stay dead, see - she's from the moon.

MAN: She is!

BASIL: Sure.

MAN: She - she hasn't got four arms.

BASIL: Sure she has. She keeps one pair covered up, under her blouse.

MAN: What about two heads?

BASIL: She's got another head. She pulls her hat over it.

MAN: She does?

BASIL: Sure. Well, Charlie! Where you been? [X]I want another dry manhattan.

MAN: Like the people on the moon drink.

BASIL: That's right! You remembered! (HE LAUGHS) Like the people on the moon drink. Well, give me that double dry manhattan, Charlie and let me[/X]

[[CHARLIE: Busy.

BASIL: Charlie, teeple eeple eeple.

CHARLIE: What are you talking about?

BASIL: That's moon language for give me another dry manahattan. Hurry up. I gotta get out]] get out of here.

CHARLIE: Get out of here? Oh, no, Basil - stick around. The evening hasn't started yet!

BASIL: Naw, I got to go. I got a date.

CHARLIE: Ah, let her wait. Have a nice big drink. It's on the house.

BASIL: No, I got to go. Ah, that looks good. (HE DRINKS) Fine, fine. No, I got a date.

MAN: I'll buy you one, Basil.

BASIL: Well ...


MAN: Sure. Make him a double again, Charlie.

BASIL: Well, thanks, I am hungry.

CHARLIE: (WHISPERS) The cops'll be here in ten minutes.

MAN: If we can hold onto him.

BASIL: What'd you say?

CHARLIE: I said stay another ten minutes.

MAN: He was telling me about the people on the moon, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Very interesting, no doubt.

BASIL: Oh, sure. They murder people.

[[set down drinks]]

CHARLIE: How fascinating.

BASIL: That's what he said. Well, thanks. Here's looking at you.

MAN: I'll have another ginger-ale, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Where do you put 'em all?

BASIL: Well, thanks. I got to go. I got a date.

CHARLIE: Who you got a date with, Basil?

BASIL: Helen.

CHARLIE: You forgot something.

BASIL: What?

CHARLIE: You knocked her off last night.

BASIL: Oh, that was last night.

CHARLIE: Right here. Remember?

BASIL: Sure I remember. But that was last night.

CHARLIE: What's the time?

MAN: Only eight minutes now.

CHARLIE: Have another dry manhattan, Basil.

BASIL: Well, I really oughtn't to.

CHARLIE: Sure. Go on.

[[come in]]


HELEN: Sure, go on, Basil.


THE MAN: Helen!

HELEN: I thought you'd be here, Basil.

BASIL: I was just leaving. Wasn't I, Charlie?

CHARLIE: He was just having one for the road. Listen, where did you come from?

HELEN: Up in the morgue.

CHARLIE: But you're dead!

HELEN: [X]It's such a bore.[/X] [[?]]

BASIL: [X]Sure.[/X] Have a beer, Helen?

HELEN: Thanks. I'd love it.

CHARLIE: But listen, Helen.


CHARLIE: We saw you at the coroner's inquest.

HELEN: [X]It really was a bore, wasn't it?[/X] [[Such a bore.]]

MAN: You're not dead?

HELEN: Huh-uh.

CHARLIE: But we saw you -

MAN: You had a hole in your head -

HELEN: Sure. See?

BASIL: Hurry up and drink your beer, Helen. We'll be late.

HELEN: I'm hurryin; now, don't get impatient, Basil.

BASIL: You want me to kill you again?

HELEN: Oh, stop!

BASIL: Well, I will if you don't hurry up.

MAN: Two minutes, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Oh, boy.


MAN: Who is that girl?

CHARLIE: I think it's the same one.

MAN: It can't be.

BASIL: Sure it is. Ain't you, Helen?

HELEN: Ain't I what?


HELEN: Sure, I'm me.

CHARLIE: But how - how -

BASIL: She's from the moon, Charlie. (HE LAUGHS) She can't die.

CHARLIE: Is that so.

MAN: You know what I think, Basil?

BASIL: What?

MAN: I got an idea.

BASIL: I know; the cops are coming; but we'll be gone before they get here.

MAN: That isn't what I'm thinking.

BASIL: What, then?

MAN: Why, I've got an idea Helen really is from the moon.

CHARLIE: Are you nutty, too?

MAN: No, I'm not nutty. I've just got an idea.


MAN: Why, I've got an idea that you're from the moon, too, Basil.


BASIL: And I just walked over to this fellow in the corduroy coat, and I picked up my drink with one hand, and I stuck out another and shook hands with him, and I put another hand on his shoulder and with the other hand I poked him in the ribs. "Why," I said, "where do you get your ideas?" And look what he did to me!


He smacked me with a gingerale bottle; and if I didn't have two heads, he might've knocked me cold!


ANNCR: The title of today's "Quiet, Please!" story is "Where do you get your Ideas?" It was written and directed by Wyllis Cooper, and Basil, the man who spoke to you, was Ernest Chappell.

CHAPPELL: And [[Kathleen Niday]] played Helen. Charlie was [[Frank Thomas]] [[Charles Egleston]] The music for "Quiet, Please!" is by Albert Buhrmann. Now for a word about next week's "Quiet, Please!" here is our writer-director Wyllis Cooper

COOPER: Thank you for listening to "Quiet, Please!" For next week, my story is about a man who dreamed; it's called "If I Should Wake Before I Die."

CHAPPELL: And until next week at this time I am quietly yours Ernest Chappell.