Quiet, Please
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Be a Good Dog, Darling

Episode #16
Aired 1947-09-22
Length: 9:58
Size: 3.42 MB
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Be a Good Dog, Darling

"Quiet, Please!"

Wyllis Cooper

NO. 15

"Be a Good Dog, Darling"

WOR - Mon Sept. 22, 1947 – 10:00 -10:00 PM EDST
MBS - Wed Sept. 24, 1947 - 8:30- 9:00 PM EDST

Rehearsals - Mon Sept. 22, 1947 2:00-5:00 PM
8:00-10:00

CHAPPELL: Quiet, please.

(SEVEN SECONDS' SILENCE)

CHAPPELL: Quiet, please.

(MUSIC ... THEME ... FADE FOR)

ANNCR: The Mutual Broadcasting System presents "Quiet, Please!" which is
written and directed by Wyllis Cooper, and features Ernest Chappell.

"Quiet, Please!" for tonight is called "Be a Good Dog, Darling".

(MUSIC ... THEME ... FADE)

GROVER: Are you married, sir?

Well, accept my congratulations.

I was married once.

Oh, no, not now. I have a dog.

She's around here somewhere.

Under something, or behind something, waiting for a chance to nip my ankles.
Or inflict more serious injury if she can.

A cocker spaniel.

An evil little beast, named Olivia.

Yes, it is rather a strange name for a dog, I agree; but you see my wife was
named Olivia.

Touching isn't it?

SOUND: (THERE IS A SNARL FROM THE DOG)

GROVER: Shut up, Olivia.

SOUND: (THE DOG SEEMS TO SAY "YOU RAT!")

GROVER: Olivia, dear.

SOUND: (THE DOG SUBSIDES)

GROVER: Olivia tries to have a mind of her own.

But, then, OLIVIA had a mind of HER own.

Dear, dear! (HE CHUCKLES HAPPILY)

Yes, she really did. While I was married to Olivia I was never allowed to
smoke in the house. I had to go down to the basement and sit in front of the
furnace when I wanted to smoke.

Now I invite your attention to the pipe-rack. That's right: not one pipe, but
fourteen pipes, one for each day of the week, and one for each night.

And I smoke whenever I want to. Now, for example.

SOUND: (HE LIGHTS A KITCHEN MATCH, PUFFS ON HIS PIPE. THE DOG YAPS AT HIM)

GROVER: (CHUCKLES CONTENTEDLY) Shut up, Olivia.

SOUND: (THE DOG, IN EFFECT, SAYS "OH, WELL", AND SUBSIDES AGAIN)

GROVER: So many times I wanted to say that to my wife.

So many times I wanted to sock my wife.

I even thought (AWED) of murdering her!

But I didn't. Oh, no. (HE LAUGHS AGAIN, COMFORTABLY)

Now, I can say shut up, Olivia whenever I want to.

SOUND: (THE DOG GROWLS)

GROVER: I can even sock you, Olivia, if I feel like it.

SOUND: (THE DOG GROWLS AGAIN)

GROVER: I could --

SOUND: (THE DOG YELPS)

GROVER: Oh, I wouldn't murder you, Olivia. Why, no, darling - being a dog's
tough enough, isn't it?

(MUSIC: ... AN ACCENT)

GROVER: I don't suppose you ever met an encyclopaedia salesman before, did
you? Socially, I mean. I may have called upon you at your home, possibly, but
I doubt you'd remember me. That's one of the secrets of success as a salesman
of encyclopaedias, sir: to submerge one's own personality in the personality
of the product. No man, however impressive, can possess the sheer impact
contained in those twenty-four volumes bound in half-morocco, complete with
index and yearly supplement, and yours for only eight dollars a month - well,
for heavens' sake! Excuse me. Do excuse me. (MODESTLY) You can understand,
though, why it is that I have been something of a success in my profession. I
live, eat, drink, and sleep encyclopaedias.

SOUND: (THE DOG GROWLS)

GROVER: Be still, Olivia.

Yes; Olivia knows. Don't you, darling? (NO ANSWER)

Oh, not going to talk, eh, my dear? Heh-heh.

I was saying - or was I? Dear me, I seem to be getting absent-minded. I must
do something about that! I was saying that an encyclopaedia is not only a
cultural thing to have around one's domicile, but it is actually useful as
WELL as ornamental.

One can find the most amazingly useful ideas in an encyclopaedia. (ARCHLY)
Some things you'd never suspect, even!

And useful - oh my!

Oh, I'm not trying to sell you an encyclopaedia, sir.

It's really after hours - although I always say that a true salesman keeps no
office hours. He's something like a soldier, I always feel, advancing,
retreating --

SOUND: (THE DOG GROWLS)

GROVER: Eh? Did you hear that? That's just the way my wife used to act
whenever I talked shop. Olivia, you're wonderful.

But shut up, darling. Or papa will smack your caboose for you with the
slipper. Oh, that's right; you ate the slipper. Well, I shall buy another one.
I shall buy a pair, Olivia - strictly for SPANKING purposes. You see, dear
little dog Olivia, human beings have advantages that little dogs don't have.

Human beings can go to stores and buy things, and little dogs can't. You get
papa, Olivia? No pretty hats, no new fall coats, no new shoes -- not a thing.
Isn't that awful, Olivia? What?

SOUND: (THE DOG MOANS)

GROVER: Why, sure, she's crying. Olivia cries a lot when I talk to her like
that.

(MUSIC: ... AN ACCENT)

GROVER: You know, an encyclopaedia IS a wonderful thing. Just think what the
encyclopaedia has done for me. Oh, yes; I make a surprisingly comfortable
living, sir, by SELLING it; but I suspect that I am probably the only
encyclopaedia salesman in the world who reads his product. It has taught me a
great deal. Let me give you an example: Just select any volume there, at
random. Just any volume.

(MOVES AWAY SLIGHTLY) This one? Good. Volume Six.

(COMING BACK) MAF to MUG.

SOUND: (THE DOG BARKS ANGRILY)

GROVER: My, isn't that a coincidence?

SOUND: (THE DOG BARKS SOME MORE)

GROVER: Even Olivia sees what a coincidence it is. You know this volume, don't
you, Olivia?

SOUND: (OLIVIA HOWLS)

GROVER: You certainly do, darling, don't you? Shut up, dear. (HE CHUCKLES) It
really is a sensational coincidence, sir, that you pick this volume. Look -

SOUND: (HE OPENS THE BOOK)

GROVER: how it opens to page 3,147.

SOUND: (OLIVIA HOWLS)

GROVER: Olivia, be quiet. Look at page 3,147, sir. You see the heading on that
page? Read it yourself: Magical formulas.

(MUSIC: ... AN ACCENT)

GROVER: (CHUCKLES) Yes, sir, that was Olivia's downfall.

Oh, I didn't believe in magic, either.

But I was awfully tired of Olivia.

I won't tell you all the things she did to me.

SOUND: (THE DOG SNARLS)

GROVER: She did plenty.

There's two or three other volumes on the shelf there that are pretty well-
thumbed.

The one labelled POI to something else.

The one labelled MUR to something else.

But this one is my favorite.

Look. This formula here.

Read it. No, no, don't read it all!

I'll read it to you.

SOUND: (OLIVIA BARKS WARNINGLY)

GROVER: I won't read it all to him, Olivia. One dog is enough, dear. Listen:

(MUSIC: ... IN FOR BG TO FORMULA)

GROVER: Haggai, Zerubbabel, Hiram;
Be this one ne more humankind.
Be this one ne man, ne woman, ne aught;
Be this one furred and pawed;
Be this one fanged and clawed;
Be this one dogge.

(HE LAUGHS) Do you feel strange, sir? Do you feel your - ah - hackles begin to
rise? Don't worry, I won't read it all. Look at Olivia. Be a good dog,
darling.

(MUSIC: ... AN ACCENT)

GROVER: Why, yes, that's right.

SOUND: (OLIVIA WHINES)

GROVER: Yes; I tried one night. One night after Olivia, my wife, had been
exceptionally trying. She had gone to bed.

(MUSIC: ... FOR BG)

GROVER: I went upstairs with this volume, opened to page 3,147, in my hand.
Olivia looked charming in her sleep. She was a taffy-blonde; hair just the
color of the little cocker there.

(HE CHUCKLES) All I did was read the formula...all the way through. And as I
whispered the last words - the ones I didn't read to you - why, there on the
bed was the cutest little cocker-spaniel you ever saw.

All tangled up in a nightgown.

(MUSIC: ... ACCENTS AND MAKES A TRANSITION)

GROVER: Why, how do you do, sir?

You remember me - Grover Hayes?

The encyclopaedia salesman? (HE LAUGHS MERRILY) Ah, I knew that would place me
with you! You remember I said when we last talked that I try to submerge my
personality in that of my product? Yes, yes.

Oh, Olivia?

Olivia's fine, thank you. Olivia's in fine fettle.

I'm taking home a muzzle for her.

Yes, I've just got to do something about it. She bit my wife again today.

Oh, yes! I'm sorry. Yes, I'm married again. I know, one would think - what is
it, that old proverb? "Once bitten, twice shy?"

Well, but really, Olivia never bit me - not until after our little evening
with page 3,147 (HE LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE)

And now she's going to be muzzled. (HE LAUGHS MERRILY AGAIN)

Well, I suppose it's just because I simply can't resist women. That was one of
the things that Olivia - ah - objected to. It made things quite unpleasant.
Olivia was very, very jealous. She still is: I told you how she bit Grace.

Oh, I suppose I shouldn't have gotten married again.

But I got lonesome. And Grace is really a very nice person; you must meet her
sometime.

And then, if this marriage doesn't work out...

Yes, she's quite pretty. A brunette - tall, the regal type, I think one would
say. Rather like a - a Doberman pinscher, you know.

(MUSIC: ... AN ACCENT, BRIEFLY)

GROVER: Just one drawback.

Same as Olivia.

She's insanely jealous of other women.

(EARNESTLY) I don't like that.

Oh, well.

By the way, would you be interested in my encyclopaedia now? It comes in very
handy, sometimes, you know?

Oh, that's right! You're not married, are you?

Well, nice to've seen you. I must run along.

Grace is waiting for me - and I really must stop off and say hello to a friend
of mine on the way home.

(HE STARTS AWAY) Oh, if you do decide to get married...remember a ten-dollar
bill puts the encyclopaedia in your home at once.

(MUSIC: ... FOR TRANSITION)

GRACE: Where have you been, Grover?

GROVER: Now, Grace...

GRACE: You said you'd be home promptly at five, and here it is a quarter to
seven -

GROVER: My dear, must I remind you that the profession of sales promotion
knows no hours?

GRACE: Grover, please. I've heard that so many times -

GROVER: I am like a soldier, advancing, retreating -

GRACE: Is that powder on your lapel, soldier?

GROVER: What? Where?

GRACE: Don't bother fussing; there isn't any. I just wanted to see what you'd
do if I said that.

GROVER: That is unworthy of you, my dear.

GRACE: Is it? I do smell My Nemesis, though, Grover dear.

GROVER: Well - ah - perhaps you shouldn't wear so much of it.

GRACE: Me! Me wear My Nemesis? You know perfectly well I wouldn't give that
stuff shelf-room! I hate it!

GROVER: Well, I'm sure I wouldn't know My Nemesis if you served it to me on
muffins, my love.

GRACE: However, you reek of it.

GROVER: Reek is rather a strong word, Grace. (HE SNIFFS)

I don't smell anything.

GRACE: Where did you get it?

GROVER: I tell you - (HE SNIFFS AGAIN) Oh. That!

GRACE: That, indeed. Where did you get it?

GROVER: (PULLING IT OUT OF A HAT) At the barber shop, dearest. Merely at the
barber shop.

GRACE: Darling, what kind of barber-shop do you patronise?

GROVER: I consider that beneath my dignity.

GRACE: That's fine, soldier. But one of these days...(SHE STOPS)

GROVER: One of these days what?

GRACE: Grover, you're not fooling me very much, really.

GROVER: Grace, I don't know what you're talking about.

GRACE: In that case, you wouldn't understand what I meant by "one of these
days".

GROVER: Sometimes you baffle me.

GRACE: I'm happy that I can't return the compliment, Grover.

GROVER: You're suspicious of me!

GRACE: You took the words right out of my mouth.

GROVER: All right then! In that case I will go and have my dinner at a
convenient restaurant!

GRACE: Hold on, and I'll get my coat.

GROVER: I do not require your company, my dear.

GRACE: Nevertheless you're going to have it, my love. I want you where I can
keep my eye on you, brother.

GROVER: (RESIGNEDLY) All right, all right.

GRACE: Come here, you. (HE COMES TO HER) You do stink of that foul perfume,
you know. Look Grover; you talked me into marrying you, and I've tried to be a
good wife to you.

I even loved you a little.

GROVER: Grace...

GRACE: No, no pawing. Listen to me: maybe I still love you, even after six
weeks of being married to you. Even after you keeping that dreadful little
mutt Olivia underfoot day in and day out and my nylons are in rags.

Even after you came home the third day we were married, smelling loudly of
Daiquiris and Tabu - of all things - and tonight sprayed from head to foot
with my particular aversion My Nemesis - even after all those things, I think
I still love you, and I'm going to keep you. Even after I'm so suspicious I
could bust I'm going to keep you.

GROVER: Well, Grace, I - I -

GRACE: But. B-U-T, but.

GROVER: But what, darling?

GRACE: But if I ever CATCH you cheating - that's all, brother.

GROVER: Grace, I -

GRACE: And so until tomorrow at this same time, I am, like the man on the
radio says, quietly yours.

GROVER: Well, I -

GRACE: Get my coat, darling. And we'll go eat a fine large dinner, and then
we'll come home and you can sit in the corner and stare at Olivia - and read
the encyclopaedia.

GROVER: Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, couldn't I?

(MUSIC: ... UP FOR A TRANSITION)

GRACE: Grover.

GROVER: Yes, my dear?

GRACE: I was downtown today.

GROVER: Were you.

GRACE: Yes (A LONG PAUSE) Aren't you interested?

GROVER: Of course, my dear.

GRACE: Or is that encyclopaedia more interesting than I am.

GROVER: (NERVOUSLY) Why, I'm sorry, Grace. I was - uh - studying.

GRACE: I see. I was passing that new cocktail-lounge in the Jefferson Hotel.

GROVER: Were you?

GRACE: Around three-thirty. (A PAUSE) Three-twenty-five to be precise.

GROVER: Oh.

GRACE: Just before I got to the door, I saw someone I knew come out.

GROVER: (WITH DIFFICULTY) Oh? You did, I mean?

GRACE: My husband.

GROVER: Who? Oh, me. Why - ah - was I there?

GRACE: I didn't think you saw me.

GROVER: Why, no. I'm sorry. I -

GRACE: Are you?

GROVER: Why, yes.

GRACE: You'll be sorrier, Grover.

GROVER: What?

GRACE: On a sudden impulse - I have sudden impulses sometimes, you know - on a
sudden impulse I walked into the cocktail lounge.

GROVER: Y-you did? (SOTTO) Haggai, Zerub -

GRACE: Don't mumble, Grover. Yes, I walked in. And you know who was sitting at
a table?

GROVER: Haggai, Zerubbabel -

GRACE: No. No, it was Elisabeth Carter.

GROVER: Elisabeth Carter? Haggai -

GRACE: I was so glad to see her, even if she does wear that awful My Nemesis
all the time.

GROVER: Does she? I mean -

GRACE: Yes. I wanted to give her a handkerchief of hers that I found.

GROVER: Y-you did? Hag -

GRACE: In your pocket, Grover.

GROVER: Now, Grace.

GRACE: (GETTING UP) I warned you, Grover. (COMING CLOSER) Grover, I'm going to
give you the greatest clawing over -

(MUSIC: ... THE MUSIC IS IN NOW)

GROVER: Haggi!

GRACE: I'm going to -

GROVER: (YELLING HER DOWN) Haggai! Zerubbabel! Hiram!
Be this one ne more humankind!
Be this one ne man, ne woman, ne aught -

(MUSIC: ... TOPS HIM)

SOUND: (THERE IS ONE SHORT, STRANGLED SCREAM THROUGH THE MUSIC, AND WE HEAR
THE FRENSIED BARKING OF A DOBERMAN PINSCHER)

(MUSIC: ... FADES OUT)

GROVER: Oh, hello.

Glad to see you again.

Oh, nothing much. Got bit by a dog.

No, not Olivia. New one.

Doberman Pinscher. Named Grace.

A real meanie.

This? A muzzle.

Those Dobermans bite hard. Especially when they hate you.

That's right. I was married to a girl named Grace.

Oh, sure; still selling encyclopaedias. Great thing, that book. Sure you don't
want to buy one?

Well, this is the last chance you'll have to buy one from me, you see. I'm
leaving town.

Oh, I don't know. I'm tired of it here. New fields to conquer, and all that.
You know you can only sell so many encyclopaedias in one town.

More opportunities someplace else.

Start all over.

Besides I want to get a place where I can let the dogs run. Olivia and Grace.

Put up a big high fence. Certainly I'm going to take them.

They remind me of my wives.

Both of 'em tried to cage me in.

So I'll try it on them.

Oh, say; you know, the oddest thing. I told you how Olivia - the cocker
spaniel, remember - how she hated Grace. How she kept biting her ankles, and
everything.

Funny. Olivia doesn't hate this big Doberman pinscher at all.

They're great friends.

Play? No, they don't play. They just sit around and look at me.

Well, nice to've seen you. Sorry I couldn't sell you an encyclopaedia; but of
course, a single man...

(HE LAUGHS) Say, you'll think I'm crazy. Why, I'm getting married again. Girl
named Elisabeth Carter. I don't think you know her. Huh! I wonder how the
dogs'll like that.....

(MUSIC: ... FOR A TRANSITION)

ELISABETH: (TALKING ON THE PHONE) All right, Grover. Yes, all right.

I know. I know, dear. Only thing is - I realise that. But you haven't been
home for dinner a single night this week - and Wednesday night it was half-
past eleven - oh, I'm not complaining. I realize that. All right. But do try
to make it fairly early, won't you? All right; I'll talk to the dogs. What?
No. No, I doubt very much they'll talk to me. Good by, Grover.

SOUND: (PHONE HUNG UP)

ELISABETH: (SIGHS DEEPLY) I wish they COULD talk. (SHE GOES TO A DOOR)

SOUND: (DOOR OPENED)

ELISABETH: (CALLS) Here, Olivia! Here, Grace! Come on, kids! Here doggies!

SOUND: (THE DOGS SCAMPER IN)

ELISABETH: Well, hello, there. You had a nice afternoon outside the cage?

SOUND: (A DOG WHIMPERS)

ELISABETH: You glad to see Elisabeth? That's the good girls. Sit down, Olivia.
Down, good girl.

SOUND: (OLIVIA BARKS ONCE)

ELISABETH: Good girl. Piece candy? Here, let me take off the muzzle. (SHE DOES
SO) That's it. Good candy. You want yours off, too, Gracie?

SOUND: (GRACE WHIMPERS)

ELISABETH: All right. Did it keep her mouth all strapped down nasty?

SOUND: (THE DOG YAWNS)

ELISABETH: Candy for Grace? Don't snap! That's it. Good girl. Here, now, both
of you, sit here by me. That's it.

SOUND: (GRACE SNEEZES)

ELISABETH: What's the matter, Grace? Don't you like my perfume? Isn't that
funny? Your namesake didn't like My Nemesis either.

SOUND: (THE DOG MUMBLES)

ELISABETH: You know, Grace, she was a nice girl. And she told me a very
strange thing once, in a cocktail lounge.

SOUND: (GRACE BARKS ONCE)

ELISABETH: That's right. She told me that she knew Grover was running around
with me

SOUND: (GRACE GROWLS)

ELISABETH: and she told me - she wasn't mad at me at all - she told me to
watch out for Grover.

SOUND: (GRACE GROWLS AGAIN)

ELISABETH: You know, maybe I'm a very suspicious person, Grace, but I wonder
what did become of your namesake?

(THERE IS A PAUSE)

(MUSIC: ... COMES IN FOR A TRANSITION)

GROVER: (TALKING ON THE PHONE, QUIETLY) All right, darling. Yes, sure,
sweetheart. I'll try to meet you at a quarter after eight.

At Charley's. I won't have very much time, though.

Elisabeth. The most suspicious woman! Oh, no, nothing definite, but I feel it
- you know. Well, I have ways of dealing with -

SOUND: (A DOOR OPENS. HE SLAMS DOWN THE RECEIVER, AND THE DOOR CLOSES)

GROVER: Why, hello Elisabeth! I - I thought you were out in the garden.

ELISABETH: (COMING IN) I was wondering if you'd like to drive over to the
beach tonight, Grover.

GROVER: Oh, darling, I'm afraid I can't! I really am afraid I can't! I'm so
sorry -

ELISABETH: Not another prospect?

GROVER: A what? A prospect? Oh, yes; this is definitely a prospect, dear. I
was just talking to him on the phone when you came in. I have to meet this
fellow; he's an awful bore, but he may buy the full morocco with the
supplements, and he'd pay cash, and - well, you understand.

ELISABETH: Yes. I suppose so. Well, all right. I was just wishing ...

GROVER: Maybe tomorrow night, dear.

ELISABETH: Whatever you say. I just get so...you know, with nobody but the
dogs to talk to, and - (SHE STOPS)

What are you staring at, Grover.

GROVER: Didn't you lock the dogs up?

ELISABETH: Why, yes, of course. Why?

GROVER: I could have sworn that I saw Grace standing outside the window - and
she's been listening to every word I said!

(MUSIC: ... UP QUICKLY AND FADE)

ELISABETH: What are you looking for, Grover?

GROVER: A letter. I lost a letter.

ELISABETH: Where did you lose it, dear?

GROVER: I don't know.

ELISABETH: Maybe I could help you look for it if I knew where--

GROVER: No, no. You couldn't find it if I couldn't!

ELISABETH: Was it important?

GROVER: Very.

ELISABETH: Well - did you look in the desk?

GROVER: It isn't in the desk! I've got to find it!

ELISABETH: Well, where did you have it last, do you know?

GROVER: I had it in my pocket when I went out to feed the dogs - (HE STOPS
ABRUPTLY)

(MUSIC: ... COMES IN BRIEFLY IN A KIND OF WARNING)

ELISABETH: (WITH SOME BITTERNESS) Well, babies, another night at home for the
three girls. Come on, sit on my lap, Olivia. No? Come on, honey. All right;
but don't be so nervous. Is it going to rain? Is that what it is? Going to
rain? You, too, Grace. Stop sniffing at the books.

SOUND: (GRACE GROWLS)

ELISABETH: Come on over here by the fire. Come on honey.

All right. Let's just have it quiet. Poor kids, that's about all of us have,
isn't it? Oh well. I should have listened to your namesake, Grace.

SOUND: (GRACE WHIMPERS)

ELISABETH: Did he run out on her all the time, too?

SOUND: (GRACE WHIMPERS)

ELISABETH: That's right. He sure did. With me. It's what I get. And what
happens to me now - Olivia, what have you got there? Bring it here, dear.
Bring it to Elisabeth. Bring it to Elisabeth. That's the good girl. Thank you,
dear. Why, it's a letter!

(MUSIC ... ACCENT)

GROVER: (TALKING ON THE PHONE) I know. I know darling! I will! I promise you I
will! Now - right away! Just as quick as I can! What? Yes! I've got to get rid
of here before she starts something! Well, I think she found that letter you
sent me! No, I'm not sure - but the way she looks at me makes me feel - what?
Yes! I will, I will! Don't worry about that! Don't worry about it at all! (HE
LAUGHS A LITTLE) I've done it before, and I can do it again. Sure I love -
wait a minute! One of those-- dogs is at the window again.

(MUSIC: ... TAKES IT AWAY)

ELISABETH: Sit still, Grace. Please sit still, or I'll have to put you
outside.

SOUND: (GRACE WHINES A LITTLE)

ELISABETH: Don't, honey. What am I going to do? What's he going to do to me?
Oh, why didn't I listen - why didn't I - that letter! "When are you going to
get rid of her, dearest Grover?"

SOUND: (GRACE YOWLS)

ELISABETH: Grace, will you stop? Here I am in danger of my life, and you -
what do you want? What do you want? Is there something back of the books?

SOUND: (GRACE WHIMPERS AGAIN)

ELISABETH: Is there?

SOUND: (GRACE WHIMPERS)

ELISABETH: Do you understand me, Grace? Are you trying to tell me something?
(THERE IS NO ANSWER) What is it, Grace?

SOUND: (GRACE SCRATCHES)

ELISABETH: Is there something back of the books? Back of that one? Back of the
encyclopedia? Let me see.

SOUND: (SHE TAKES A BOOK OUT)

ELISABETH: There's nothing back there, dear. Look out - don't knock the book
out of my hand -

SOUND: (THERE IS A THUMP AS THE BOOK FALLS TO THE FLOOR)

ELISABETH: - now what do you want -

SOUND: (GRACE SCRATCHES AT THE LEAVES OF THE BOOK)

ELISABETH: What is it? (THERE IS A LONG PAUSE, THEN SHE READS SLOWLY) Magical
formulas. (ANOTHER PAUSE)

The ancient formula to turn a human being into a dog. (AN APPALLED PAUSE AND
SHE BURSTS OUT) Oh, Grace! Grace!

Did he do that to you?

(MUSIC: ... UP AND FADE)

GROVER: Well, Elisabeth darling, I'm going to have to be home with you
tonight.

ELISABETH: So I see.

GROVER: Aren't you glad, my dear?

ELISABETH: Glad? Yes, I'm very glad, Grover.

GROVER: Well, that's fine. What shall we do?

ELISABETH: Grover.

GROVER: Yes, my dear?

ELISABETH: I found the letter.

GROVER: Letter?

ELISABETH: The one you lost. The one asking you when you were going to get rid
of me.

GROVER: (AFTER A PAUSE) I thought you found it.

ELISABETH: So I know what we're going to do tonight.

GROVER: Do you?

ELISABETH: Yes.

GROVER: I wonder if you do.

ELISABETH: Yes, I do.

GROVER: Well, darling, I'm not going to ask you to forgive me.

ELISABETH: I didn't expect you would.

GROVER: I'm going to read something to you.

ELISABETH: Are you?

GROVER: You just sit still there.

ELISABETH: Yes, of course.

GROVER: (GOING AWAY) Just a second while I get the book.

ELISABETH: You don't know it by heart, then?

GROVER: No, I - (HE TURNS BACK) Know what by heart?

ELISABETH: The formula.

GROVER: (COMES FULL IN) What do you know about the formula, Elisabeth?

ELISABETH: Grace told me about it.

GROVER: Grace.

ELISABETH: Get the book, Grover.

GROVER: Listen to me -

ELISABETH: Get the book.

GROVER: Well, I will!

SOUND: (HE STEPS AWAY)

GROVER: I'm sorry to have to do this -

SOUND: (HE FLIPS THROUGH THE PAGES)

GROVER: Did you tear the pages out?

SOUND: (HE COMES BACK)

GROVER: Did you?

ELISABETH: Yes, I tore it out, Grover. And destroyed it.

GROVER: Elisabeth -

ELISABETH: But I memorized it first, darling -

GROVER: You didn't -

ELISABETH: Listen, Grover.
Haggai, Zerubbabel, Hiram;
Be this one ne more humankind.
Be this one ne man, ne woman, ne aught.

SOUND: (AND A DOG HOWLS)

ELISABETH: BE this one furred and pawed!
Be this one fanged and clawed;
Be this one dogge

(MUSIC ... TOPS HER, HOLDS AND FADES FOR THE RINGING OF A TELEPHONE)

ELISABETH: (LIFTS RECEIVER) Yes? No, I'm sorry, Grover isn't here. No, I'm
sorry. There's nobody here but me and the three dogs. Oh yes, three. We have a
new one now. A nasty, squalling little mongrel ... I don't think it'll last
long, though.

The other dogs don't like it. Good night.

SOUND: (BAYING OF GRACE IS PICKED UP BY)

(MUSIC ... THEME ... FADE FOR)

ANNCR: You have been listening to "Be a Good Dog, Darling," the title of
today's "Quiet, Please", which is written and directed by Wyllis Cooper.
Grover, the man who spoke to you, was Ernest Chappell.

CHAPPELL: And Charita Bauer played Grace; Anne Seymour was Elisabeth. Brad
Barker supplied the voice of the dogs. The music for "Quiet Please" is
composed and played by Gene Perrazzo. Now for a word about next week's "Quiet,
Please!", here is our writer-director Wyllis Cooper.

COOPER: Next week's story was suggested by the words to the traditional
Scottish air "The Banks of Loch Lomond". It's called "The Low Road".

(MUSIC:... THEME ... FADE FOR)

ANNCR: "Quiet, Please" comes to you from New York.

THIS IS THE MUTUAL BROADCASTING SYSTEM.